Sanctuary for the Abused
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Why Do Abusive Men Abuse?
(we have used the male gender, your abuser could be female)
('battering' can be extended to verbal, emotional & psychological abuse)
Abusive men batter women as a means of power and control, to manipulate, intimidate and rule their intimate partner.
Men who abuse their partners come from all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, areas of the world, educational levels and occupations.
They often appear charming and attentive to outsiders, and even to their partners, at first.
Many batterers are very good at disguising their abusive behavior to appear socially acceptable. Once they develop a relationship with a partner however, they become more and more abusive.
Characteristics of Domestic violence perpetrators:
seek control of the thoughts, beliefs and conduct of their partner.
punish their partner for resisting control.
Men who batter:
minimize the seriousness of their violence.
act impulsively.
distrust others.
need to control people and situations.
express feelings as anger.
A batterer covers up his violence by denying, minimizing, and blaming the victim. He often convinces his partner that the abuse is less serious than it is, or that it is her fault. He may tell her that "if only" she had acted differently, he wouldn't have abused her. Sometimes he will say, "You made me do it."
Victims of abuse do not cause violence. The batterer is responsible for every act of abuse committed.
Domestic violence is a learned behavior. It is learned through:
observation.
experience.
culture.
family.
community (peer group, school, etc.).
(Personality disorders, mental illness, and other problems may compound domestic violence, but the abusive behavior must be addressed separately. )
Abuse is NOT caused by:
mental illness.
ADD/ ADHD.
genetics.
alcohol and drugs.
out-of-control behavior.
anger.
stress.
behavior of the victim.
problems in the relationship.
Many men blame their violence on the effects of drug and alcohol use.A batterer abuses because he wants to, and thinks he has a "right" to his behavior. He may think he is superior to his partner and is entitled to use whatever means necessary to control her.
Alcohol abuse is present in about 50 percent of battering relationships.
Research shows that alcohol and other drug abuse is commonly a symptom of an abusive personality, not the cause. Men often blame their intoxication for the abuse, or use it as an excuse to use violence. Regardless, it is an excuse, not a cause. Taking away the alcohol, does not stop the abuse.
Substance abuse must be treated before or in conjunction with domestic violence treatment programs.
Some ways batterers deny and minimize their violence:
"I hit the wall, not her head."
"She bruises easily."
"She just fell down the steps."
"Her face got in the way of my fist."
Characteristics of a Potential Batterer
Jealousy
Controlling behavior
Quick involvement
Unrealistic expectations
Isolation of victim
Blames others for his problems
Blames others for his feelings
Hypersensitivity
Cruelty to animals or children
"Playful" use of force during sex
Verbal abuse
Rigid sex roles
Jekyll and Hyde type personality
History of past battering
Threats of violence
Breaking or striking objects
Any force during an argument
Objectification of women
Tight control over finances
Minimization of the violence
Manipulation through guilt
Extreme highs and lows
Expects her to follow his orders
Frightening rage
Use of physical force
Closed mindedness
Manipulation
Abusers often try to manipulate the "system" by:
Threatening to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the children.
Changing lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner's financial hardship.
Telling everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is "crazy" and making things up.
Using the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him.
Telling police she hit him, too.
Giving false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.
Using children as leverage to get and control his victim.
Accusing her of stalking him and/or his family
Accusing her of harrassment
Abusers may try to manipulate their partners, especially after a violent episode.
He may try to "win" her back in some of these ways:
Invoking sympathy from her, her family and friends.
Talking about his "difficult childhood".
Becoming overly charming, reminding her of the good times they've had.
Bringing romantic gifts, flowers, dinner.
Crying, begging for forgiveness.
Promising it will "never happen again."
Promising to get counseling, to change.
Abuse gets worse and more frequent over time
Lies Abusers Tell
Abusers often tell lies about their violence to themselves (their partners and society):
"I just need to be understood".
"I had a bad childhood."
"I can't control it."
"I get angry."
"She fights too."
"She pushes my buttons."
"If I don't control her, she will control me."
"My smashing things isn’t abusive, it’s venting."
"I have a lot of stress in my life."
"I just have an anger management problem."
"I just have a problem when I drink or use drugs."
Labels: abuse, abusive, battering, control, emotional blackmail, manipulation, men, mental, power, verbal abuse
12 Comments:
I was abused and I finally put a STOP to it. He's been court ordered to stay away from me, my family, friends and can not contact me by any means. My ex was extremely manipulative and he would blame me for his abuse. He told lies about me to his friends and family and created stories so they would feel sorry for him. A therapist once told me that he fits the stereotype of a serial killer.
He would beat me up and later call the police and tell them that I hit him. He would have scratches on his hands but it was only from me trying to push him away. He would do this everytime to me. When the police would show up, they would want to arrest me. I lived in fear and felt no one would protect me from this monster.
Later, my ex would come to me and tell me how much he "Loved" me and wanted us to get help. That he gets hurt and angry because he "felt" I never really listen to him and that he does not feel "loved" by me. He would say all this while crying on his knees and I would feel horrible.
When I asked why he'd call the police, he'd say it was because he didn't want anyone of us to get hurt. Interesting, because he never told the police that he hit me. It was always portrayed as me hitting him.
He would then be loving and extremely affecionate for a few days. Slowly he would revert to showing signs of irritation, stress and anger. He would start by breaking things, throwing things and driving recklessly. Of course, I would question if he was okay or what was wrong and his answer would always be that he felt that I didnt understand and he had a lot of pressure on him.
My ex was here on a temporary work Visa. He was from Denmark and was trying to get a greencard. He abandoned his child and stole $150K from a bank which he was wanted for.
The pressure he was facing was not wanting to go back to Denmark. He had no income there and at least here in the US he could create a new "life" or "persona" since no one would know his real story except me. I found out through his estranged father.
Yep, this whole family is a mess!! His father was put in a mental institution, his older brother is an alcoholic, mother a prostitute.
I was lucky to get out!! He would threaten to kill me and that no one would know it was him, cause he could just go back to Europe. This is the fear he instilled in me. I felt trapped. This man has tried so hard to screw up my mind, he's played so many games. I was lucky I got out when I did.
I sometimes wish there was a law in place, where you can check to see if someone has been arrested for domestic violence or has any history of violence from any Country around the world.
I'm glad to say that I am blessed to be a survivor and that I made the decision to leave and to protect myself. I do also believe in Karma, so I am sure that this individual will never live a complete life.
I think a violence registry is a terrific idea..just like a sex offender registry. Both are dangerous issues that ppl deserve to be warned of! My father is an abusive low life and I am ever grateful that I found a good boyfriend to take care of me. But I am not totally at ease because he is still abusing my mom and she refuses to leave! He has tried to kill her several times! :-(
I left my abusive husband less than a year ago. I am sure now that he is an abuser, though I used to wonder. Even after I was assessed as high risk by a DV advocate, I still doubted. Once in a while I still wonder because he is still crying and getting sympathy from friends. He keeps telling me that I should know that he has change and hasn't been abusive, yet he has been psychologically very abusive post-separation.
I wonder if being BPD makes one act like an abuser but he can't help it, because he really can't see it? I know it sounds like I am making excuses for him again, but he keeps pleading with me not to believe that abusers never change. He says he is really trying and can't see what he is doing wrong.
BTW, I think that there is now a move to have a domestic violence registry in Australia, so that if a person moves to another state, the records are there. I am not sure whether it is law yet.
I am in a very abusive relationship my husband of 22years has been abusing me from 1996 I am now scared of him. He lies about it and claims that I am evil to be making up these story about him and that I want to destroy him. Rape is a norm for me now and I am just relieved when it is over. The abuse involves verbal of the worst kind he uses derogatory word to describe me accuses me of infidelity which I have never done, He physically abuse me as well. I am just frustrated. The sad thing is that I am not depended on him I am a professional in a very good job and i was the one who assisted him to be where he is now. The house is mine and he refuses to leave now he has taken over the entire house and I am just allowed one room.
Please get out of your situation, even if it means giving up your house for a while. I stayed for 32 years, and the abuse just continued to the point where I was almost killed. An argument escalated to physical violence. He slammed my head repeatedly on the floor. After the last blow, he held so much pressure on my skull I thought it was going to fracture. I ended up with a brain hemorrhage requiring surgery, 12 days in ICU, 2 spinal taps to relieve increasing intracranial pressure, an a long recovery. My physcial health has returned but emotionally I am scarred. I am in therapy and working towards inner peace but that path is more difficult than the physical therapy. I never though it could happen to me, please protect yourself, a house is not worth your mental and physical well being, or your life.
Wow . Still in abusive relationship. I have no family. Parents r dead. I have nowhere to go and I do not work. I am 8 years older w 2 kids at home and hate my life. I work out a lot to keep pain at a distance. I told him I hated him today that he's fat bald with smelly feet and if course I got called a psycho and a skank. He has not ever I clouded me in finances. Hate him for that. Went on cruise to Europe recently and I got kicked around in bathroom. Hit like a dog. I'm 56 years old. He threatens to destroy me if I leave and I do believe that. He's a porn addict. Caught him. It was funny. Lol
Quiet. He said he would never forgive me for saying I hated him yet for 18 years I'm suppose to forgive him after the beatings. Too funny . I don't look my age and I take good care of myself. I suppose I should just go have an affair and do my own thing. Women get out before its too late. If u have support then run to them. I have no one. I'm in a downward spiral of hell. Right now so hurt just don't want to move.
My heart breaks for these women - my abusive husband was arrested thank god but he is still very dangerous. Keep faith that you WILL survive and get some counselling, help, read, and envision yourself free. I pray alot for guidance. Yoga helped me, lots of exercise and just waiting for the shoe to drop and trying to be ready.
Just left....after he had to spend a few nights in jail for domestic abuse on a vacation. I've been staying at friend houses until I move into own place. He also bashed my head on the ground. I finally have hope. Material possessions can be replaced. My life can't and if I go back he will kill me next time. Get out while you can
I was in a very verbal abusive relationship with the crap of shit who had a body of a 20 lb weakling but thought he was hot what a joke. I am a female bodybuilder and I always wonder that if he had every hit I was on. Beat the shit out of him but it wasn' worth going to jail because of him. Now I got me a real man not on that' insecure
I heard that
I am shocked that today we have no fault divorce so that an abuser who has been repeatedly violent can still get more than half the assets. I say MORE than half because he took out all the finances and savings, emptied my 401K and my inheritance monies, in addition by lying to the judge saying I was crazy has had to pay no support payments. I am shocked. There is no support. I have copies of legal documentation yet the judge believes his Excel document he typed up??? What is happening in Indiana? They say no fault so the fact that he is violent does not matter. And he is so charming, even when he violated the protective order when I was in the hospital the judge did not find him in contempt after all I must be crazy. Although I have taken time to be assessed by a psychiatrist and found totally sane still this persists. WHY DO WE HAVE NO FAULT in these cases there should be FAULT. HE removed all the furnishings and computer equipment for my business. I have no business left. I have nothing but my life. After fifteen months of constantly calling the police because he vandalizes my property and they come out and say no one is here now. I am frustrated and believe there is no help in the United States. I think my only defense is self defense and never getting married. I had my own home and money before marriage. After twenty years I have nothing and am on the street. Thanks to our social system which allows these abusers (even after being found guilty three times of violence against women reduced to misdemeanors) run free.
Its very hard leaving but this sounds just like what i just got out of. i am staying out of the town and trying to stay close to my children. He had threatened that i would never see them again thank god they were not fathered by him.
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